When the pieces of the most meaningful puzzle fit together to create more than you could have ever imagined… when you know you fought the good fight for the right reasons and what you found is at least, by neurotic research comparisons, the best option….and when you finally let go and surrender… and then God basically shines a flashlight in your face and shows the way (which also happens to contradict your obstinent, original plan)… that’s what we have been given…
It’s been a long few weeks of school interviews and applications. Just like four years ago, I have confidence regarding the direction to turn in the next season.
When I left our first meeting with Stepping Stone in November 2015, I cried in the parking lot because that meeting was the validation I needed to know that what my heart was telling me was true. I needed to stop pretending that everything was perfect. I needed to let go of the past and move forward. At that time I was dealing with life changing loss and guilt. I was going through stages of life that were supposed to be monumentally celebrated and happy and I felt like if I did that I would be betraying and hurting others even more. I was not dealing with my situation well. At the same time, I was beginning to feel hopeless in regards to how to help and understand my son. I appreciated the resources we had available to us in Texas, but I knew they weren’t enough. What I had just been shown for my son at Stepping Stone gave me a new purpose and commitment. I had an opportunity to change Grey’s life for the better.
I was in graduate school and was managing a corporate wellness program for a wonderful company with about 1200 employees. I had an offer presented to me to work with a client with 40,000 employees and nearly double my salary. Problem was, that opportunity was in Fort Smith, Arkansas about 35 miles from where I grew up. I told my sister about the job opportunity and she recommended I check out Stepping Stone. So, David and I did. Resources I couldn’t have even dreamed of for Grey at that time were all of a sudden on the table. I would not have been able to move and accept the job opportunity no matter how much I wanted it had Stepping Stone not been a part of the deal. Grey needed his school even more than I needed self-forgiveness or any professional advancement. So many things just fell into place. I felt like divine intervention was in the works. With David’s support and a lot of fear, faith, and hope… I moved myself and my then two and three year old babies to a little town where I knew only a couple of people three hours away from him and a job that had brought me so much joy, fulfillment, and friendships. About six months after moving, my job based in Fort Smith was going to be eliminated because my client was selling their company. My employer, not my client, made a position that had just become open in Chicago a remote/work from home position for me so I could stay in Alma and take care of my family. Again, divine intervention…. and a very compassionate, considerate boss. Two years of working from my computer at home and having barely any adult companionship nearly made me lose my mind… fine, I absolutely lost my mind. I was terribly isolated, which was terribly hard for a girl that had not only had a career built on relationships, but was also very involved in the community I had been a part of. I created a new plan and decided to leave my position and focus on my family and the new calling I felt led to. A year and a half later, I don’t regret my choice at all. I am very thankful that I had David’s support to leave work. So, here we are coming up on our fourth anniversary of being in Alma and my, oh, my, how life has changed. Greyson graduated from Stepping Stone in June (woohoo!). He could have gone to kindergarten this year, but Stepping Stone had a change in regulations that let him stay for another year, which was a blessing I couldn’t pass up. Well, that is until now.
When I left a school interview a few weeks ago, I cried the same tears as I did after leaving Stepping Stone for the first time, in utter disbelief that everything Grey needed and more than I ever knew existed could be given to him. (David may have also.) And then, every specialist I met with thereafter reaffirmed that what I believed I found to be too good to be true really would be best.
In my work as a wellness coach, I would start most sessions with reminding clients that they would benefit from understanding and identifying WHY they wanted to change; that I could help them with the path to follow, but they had to be intrinsically motivated for their habits to stick and reach their goals. I have had a lot of pressure to move back and then a lot of pressure to stay… like Thanksgiving dinner being presented daily to a person trying to lose weight! Seriously, so much pressure.
We interviewed schools in Oklahoma and Texas two years ago and were terribly disappointed; neither school could give Grey what he needed or at least that is what they told us. They were only going to provide a fraction of what he had available to him at Stepping Stone (which is a preschool) and would receive in primary school where we live. I spent so many restless nights stalking websites of schools all over DFW to see a glimpse of what Grey needed and my search was then futile. I called several of them and affirmed that just like the first two schools, they wouldn’t provide Grey comparable services. I couldn’t get fully invested in moving before because the primary motivator I needed was not there. Like a person wanting to lose weight to please someone else, I couldn’t reach a goal that didn’t seem quite right to me. Grey’s brain was still in a critical developmental stage then and I couldn’t take him away from what was best for him. Greyson has mild cerebral palsy due to a brain injury that occurred during pregnancy or labor – we don’t know when it happened. Brain neuroplasticity (think of the ability to rewire the brain) is highest before the age of 5.
I suppose God had more work to do in our lives and needed more work from me… I believe he did. Even though I was full of anxiety and desperate for change at that time, I am now so grateful for my unanswered prayers. I knew there had to be a better option for Grey that allowed my children to actually grow up with their dad than what we had found and I finally found it.
After much praying, many mistakes, sleepless nights and those bright lights of grace, I am ready to move forward. I got those rocks off my back, Sheila. It took me six years to do it, but I did it. I can accept love and happiness now. And, again, I have a map for Grey that I can live in peace with.
Bella is not excited about moving. I’ve promised her I will make sure she can see her friends as much as possible and that she will make new ones. Don’t think our lives haven’t revolved around that boss babe too… Grey and I follow her social and activities calendar. She’s an active kid. It hasn’t been fair to my children that they have had to share me so much, though David has always made an enormous effort to be with them every weekend. I am very much looking forward to seeing Bella shine even more when she gets attention from both of us more. I know Grey will too, but my little girl really, really needs that.
I know Grey will dearly miss his Victoria, his beloved teacher and one of his best friends. He told me she has to be his teacher forever and he’s not grown up enough yet to go to kindergarten. He said he will be ready when he is 8! (His ability to articulate that shows he is ready.) We will miss the amazingly loving, kind, and enormous village at Stepping Stone. They have promised me they will be by our side to help us wherever we live, another testament to how truly incredible they are and fortunate we have been. I’ll miss Gayle’s smile and seeing my son being hugged and loved on so very much. I will miss the ladies from Our Own Little World who have been like an extension of my family and helped me more than they could possibly know. I will miss having my family close and all the familiar, friendly faces I’ve come to know. I’ll miss being a part of Arkansas and all its beauty… both the people and places.
It has been an extremely humbling four years that certainly changed me and forced me to grow (I will always have a lot of that to do). I know it could have been harder and there a lot of folks out there that have challenges a million times more difficult than mine have been. Perhaps, for me, my challenges were at times mentally exhausting because parenthood turned out so much differently than how I had imagined it would. I have been an aunt since I was nine years old and had 12 nieces and nephews before I had children of my own. Taking care of kids is my jam. Being a mama alone has been much harder for me than dealing with even the most daunting tasks of the corporate world I was in. I couldn’t outwork the lack of emotional support I needed, but that time alone allowed me to not avoid and to heal. I am thankful for all of it; every day, every challenge, every lesson, every blessing. We have been given so much.
Grey reached over 50 goals and is so good at talking now that he has become my dictator and he runs very quickly away from me and can find Skittles no matter how high or hidden they are! His sense of humor, love, and empathy for others make me so proud too. I always knew he had more to show and tell us and it makes my heart swell that he now can. His progress has mesmerized specialists and everyone who knows him well due to the hard work and love of so many. It is immeasurable in my opinion.
Hopefully, we can take what we have learned from our experience navigating resources (and life) and do some good in our next seasons. I will always be grateful for the mercy, grace, and love I have been given despite my failures. I am not proud of all of the choices I made and I have been far from the perfect parent, but not giving up on what mattered most to me even when it was really hard is something I am very proud of.
Very long story short…. We are moving back to Texas during Christmas break. This time we will call McKinney, Texas home. I get to be close to some of my best friends again and a life I built that I have dearly missed. If you know Bella and Grey, please reassure them they will make new friends and be happy in their new home and school (they will be at the same school!). And, if you have a moment, we would really appreciate a prayer.
Throughout this time, I have been reminded time and time again to trust God’s plan and allow my faith to be greater than my fear. Some may think divine intervention or providence is silly and wishful thinking, but I am not one of them. God has given us what we needed. Faith, hope, and love have carried us through this season.